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  春哥,哥名御春,成都人氏也。生而能勃,三岁梦遗,五岁自慰,七岁抠女,九岁嫖鸡。及至十岁,已然阅女数千。每事罢,常叹人生不过如此,郁郁而不得志。
某夜,春哥连御十女而意犹未尽,乃怒曰:“天地不仁,即生吾于世间,奈何不能尽吾兴乎?”其声所至之处,天崩地坼,江河倒流。须臾,一白发老翁至,谓春哥曰:“吾太上老君也。汝为何兴此盛怒,令吾不能安卧于天庭?”春哥俱以实告。老君曰:“此事易耳。吾有仙术曰爆菊,可尽汝之兴。此术本不传凡人,然吾观汝形容伟岸,器具雄壮,当可习之。”遂授春哥以爆菊之术。
春哥习爆菊之术,三月乃成。稍试之,大爽,喜曰:“大丈夫当如是也!”自是,春哥不复御女,而专以爆菊为乐。有民闻春哥仙术,遂自号“玉米”甘为奴役,曰:“朝被爆,夕死可矣!”春哥遂威名大振。
有淫妇曰芙蓉姐姐者,据阴山为女王。芙蓉嗜采补之术,日吸精百斗。于山下设卡,凡美男壮汉皆掳入山中以供享用。被掳者或大病而出,或亡于山下。有民谣曰“少男进,老翁出;壮汉进,白骨出”。世人既怨且畏,皆不能与之争。春哥闻之,曰:“吾九尺男儿,爆菊千万,安能容此妇于世间乎!”遂单骑入阴山,与芙蓉裸战四十九日,终爆之。
春哥既胜,声威益隆。时东方有巨匠曰阿迪王者能制神靴,然唯与王公贵胄;西方有名马曰草泥马者日行万里,然无人能御。及闻春哥威名,阿迪王作上品之靴以奉春哥,草泥马俯首系颈以供驱策。
东瀛有浪人曰龟头正雄者亦善爆菊之术,欲与春哥一争雌雄。春哥慨然应战。龟头于校场左右各置玉米百名,谓春哥曰:“先爆完者胜。”春哥笑而不语。龟头怪之,春哥乃曰:“此计诚可。然汝菊尚在否?”龟头以手抚菊,方知已为春哥所爆。遂拜服曰:“春哥爆菊于无形,吾不及也。”
海内外闻之皆服,曰:“春哥纯爷们,铁血真汉子!”
太史公曰:吾尝观古今之俊杰,张飞、李逵之流有勇无谋,子房、孔明之辈老奸巨滑,秦皇、汉武之徒专横跋扈,潘安、宋玉之伦油头粉面。堪当“纯爷们”三字者,唯春哥一人耳。太祖曰“数风流人物,还看春哥”,不亦宜乎!
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